I’ve been working my way up to 30 minutes of exercising for nearly three years. I’ve started and stopped exercising regularly dozens of times, but I have finally worked my way up to 30 minutes regularly.
They say that exercise is usually a feat of mind over matter, and in many ways that’s true–because you’re forcing yourself to engage in physical torture.
These are 30 thoughts I regularly have when I exercise on my recumbent bicycle (five days a week!)
- Let’s do this. Let’s get this done.
- Oh my gosh, my throat is on fire. Drink some water ASAP.
- Big mistake, I feel like I’m going to vomit.
- At least I’m wearing these cute shoes. Mom really shelled out for ‘em.
- Mom’s great, but exercising sure isn’t. Exercising is the worst. Why do I keep doing it? (re-think this thought x15)
- Because the doctor said so.
- Ugh, why do I keep giving into that master manipulator? (re-think this thought x15)
- More like that team of master manipulators… all of them are convinced this is good for me. They’re all evil. Them and their medical degrees. And books. And journal articles. And presentations. And scientific trials.
- Hey, am I done yet?
- FIVE MINUTES? I’VE ONLY DONE FIVE MINUTES OF THIS?!?!
- OK, calm down. Turn on the TV. Find something good.
- Ooh, trashy daytime TV. Is E! always running a Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon?
- Looks like it.
- Uh oh, here comes the dizziness. Hang on to the bike handlebars.
- I’m like Liza Minnelli in Arrested Development. Or just Liza Minnelli period.
- Oh cool, blurry vision. That’s a nice bonus.
- I wonder what shape the sweat on my back is making. Maybe I can make a Rorshach test out of it.
- Nah, too much work. Too many creative endeavors. I’m a busy girl.
- I need something, but I don’t know what.
- No, I know. The battle cry of my people: Must. Consume. Salt.
- Chips and salsa are an excellent source of salt. Dr. L said so. I should go eat that when this is over.
- Is this over yet?
- I’ll take a Snapchat to see.
- WOAH, BAD IDEA. DO NOT SEND THAT TO ANYONE. They don’t need to have their day ruined.
- I’ll be done with this so soon. This will be over so soon. Just hold on. Keep going. Keep breathing. Because THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END.
- NOPE. ROGUE THOUGHTS. WATCH THE TRASHY TELEVISION. DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO THE TIME.
- KEEP UP WITH THOSE KARDASHIANS, SHANNON. Or better yet, watch something outrageously delicious and unhealthy The Pioneer Woman makes and dream of how yummy it is. That’s what daytime television is for.
- YOU CAN DO THIS I SWEAR YOU CAN YOU’VE DONE IT BEFORE.
- Hey, I wonder if I can get my mom to buy me some new yoga pants?
- AND DONE. DONE. NOW I HAVE 23.5 HOURS OF FREEDOM. Time to lay down and chill.