I’m going for the title of World’s Worst Patient

I don’t want to go to my cardiologist.

I can’t remember the last time I saw him.

It’s nothing personal. The farthest thing from it, really. He’s lovely. So is his wife who is another doctor at his practice. They’re kind, spend a lot of time on their patients, and they know what they’re doing. Best in the business.

But I don’t want to go.

I’ve gone too many times.

I am so, so, so burned out on these long appointments with sitting and standing and getting electrodes stuck on me and echocardiograms and surprise stress tests and vasovagal testing that makes me almost faint and worrying that they’ll find out something terrible or that I’ll feel terrible about myself or—

I just don’t want to go. I don’t want to go.

When I started seeing this doctor, I had to go every two weeks. The appointments lasted hours.

They switched to every six weeks. Then every six months.

And then I cancelled an appointment last October and forgot to reschedule and I don’t know how long it’s been and I don’t want to go back.

I’m not feeling great.

I’m out of breath and close to collapsing every night when I climb up all four stories of our house at the end of every day. I’m totally spent when I walk around at Target or go grocery shopping. Something’s wrong with my foot and I’m walking funny—but I don’t think a cardiologist can fix that. Although he’s pretty smart, so maybe he can.

But I also don’t want to give up a precious day off of work to a marathon day of testing. (Dr. A and his practice is thorough above all else.)

I know I need to grow up, be an adult, see my doctor. I know I need to stop acting like a kid.

But it’s really easy for morale to get low with POTS—because there are days where I go from feeling GREAT to feeling like garbage in seconds and that type of whiplash is incredibly discouraging.

Sometimes I forget I have #POTS.

Then I stand in a line.

— shannon linford (@shannern) May 11, 2018

That reminder just crushes your mood, your hopes, your everything. And it fuels the “why bother seeing the doctor?” thoughts.

But I have to remember the advice and guidance of my therapist—even if I can’t get some type of cure from my doctor at a visit, every visit is for the purpose of gathering data. Getting more information. Even if we can’t use it now, maybe it can be used in the future. Maybe it can be used for someone else. We’re just tracking things and taking notes.

So.

I scheduled an appointment for the end of the month.

I’m not happy about it, but I’ll be there. Probably with a not-so-happy face on… but I don’t think that’s a requirement for his visits. (If they were, he’d be out of business.)

(If you’re in the same place as I am… I feel you. Doctors’ appointments are such a hassle. Just do your best.)